No Rainbow Unicorns Found Here Today

A lot of what has kept me from putting personal stuff out here is the nature of some of my thoughts.  I don't want to come across as complaining, nor as a "Negative Nellie", however sometimes things are not always rainbow-coloured unicorns pooping out golden leprechauns.  As much as I would like that to happen, somehow it just doesn't.  (Which is probably for the best because that sounds painful.)

The rational view is that life is a mix of the two, or even somewhere on the great bell curve of life that falls between disaster and the above-mentioned unicorn.

That was today.

Aside from the traditional Mother's Day festivities that somehow always seem to involve me getting the boy to pick out his favorite things to do and then spending the whole day doing that, unpleasant things creep in.  The one that has me most uncomfortably saddened is the quality of some of my neighbours in this community.  Apart from the great neighbour right-next-door who is kind and helpful and pleasant, that is.

Today the windstorm blew my patio umbrella over.  I know, I know; first-world problems.  Not a big deal.  Not even a big deal that it broke.  What upset me was as I was struggling to upright the umbrella and it's 30 pound weighted base from where it was wedged under the deck to perch it back up over a 5 ft deck railing, one family of neighbours was walking past, saw me struggling, and kept going.  On their way over to visit another neighbour 2 doors down.  Both families with whom we used to hang out but who have been, over the past 6 months, pointedly leaving us out of the neighbourhood potluck get-togethers.  Our kids all play together.  We used to have coffee together, and dinners together, and help each other out.

Now – nothing.

Not a word.  Not a helping hand.  Nothing.

It's as if I don't exist to them.  And I have yet to find out what I did that was so horrible that they want nothing to do with us.

I tried really hard to be friendly.  (Not so easy for a socially awkward, not to mention very shy and timid introvert.)  I introduced one family to another, overcoming much resistance and apathy to meeting on both sides.  Just to be clear, it was more coaxing on my part than pushiness.  I drank more coffee than I would have liked because drinking coffee was their thing, and keeping my insulin level under control is easier with less caffeine.  I started drinking alcohol again with them even though I felt better off it, because drinking alcohol, and lots of it, was their thing,  And apparently I was more fun when I drank.  And I'm apparently weak enough to fall to pressure.

Today, I just don't feel a part of this neighbourhood.  I don't feel that I fit in.  (And I'm way too old to be feeling this way.)  Unfortunately it's easy to let it bother me.  Having a real friend close by would make all the difference, but I don't.

As much as I had a great time going to the skatepark, twice, with my little scooter-head, bowling and pizza (we cheated on our diets today), and finally to the ice cream parlour (did I mention the dietary cheating?), I'm left feeling a little sad.

Reading what I'm writing here, I realize what I'm actually sad about goes beyond neighbours being rude and unneighbourly ... is that I let this ridiculous situation bother me.  I'm sad that I let these neighbours – who clearly don't like me for who I am and push me to do what I'm not comfortable doing and won't accept me if I don't – affect me this way.  I'm sad that I'm not stronger and tougher with thicker skin.  I'm beyond sad lately; I'm pathetic.  I've let this bother me for too long.  This has been a monkey on my back all winter, and a reason for part of the Blahs that I'm trying to shake off.

As I watch our other neighbour, the nice one, put his house up for sale because of issues he's also having on this street (ones that so far have not gone away despite his efforts), I'm thinking maybe he's on to something...