As much as I would love to be writing about how space aliens have (finally) made contact, this is not about that.
This is about being Alone.
We are all alone in our own little worlds... bumping into each others' spheres, overlapping, connecting, sometimes merging. But still alone.
I feel alone. Since moving six months (or so) ago, I've been pretty much alone with primarily the company of a vibrant 4 year old shooting star. Sometimes my island of self has met up with other islands and occasionally clustered in company. But mostly alone.
For me, aloneness isn't lonely. It's the state of being by myself, immersed in my own thoughts, troubles, feelings. It's not always being aware of another's situation; it's also in being aware of not being able to share in it in any meaningful way. For the most part I don't mind being alone. The pleasurable company of others is longed for, but not sought after. So, months and months after moving across the country, for all intents and purposes -- I'm alone.
I'm shy. I'm timid. I'm afraid of people and don't reach out. And due to past experience, when people do reach out, I tend to push them away -- protecting myself by being alone. Justifiable or not, I believe that at least alone it doesn't hurt as much compared to being lonely in the company of others. And that's why I don't mind it. Or didn't used to...
Aloneness has been on my mind lately. The energy I've put out lately and am feeling tapped out of has been placed squarely on the goal and efforts of my son never growing up alone. Yet it's bound to happen; it's the human experience, the aloneness parts. The connections and activities and interests I'm pursuing for him will give him a solid foundation in the art of being alone, and yet in being able to be with others. He's reaching out, learning, socializing, connecting... much as I remember doing in my own shy and timid way so many years ago.
Down the streets of time and life I've lost those connections and knowledge of how to make them in my own life... how to build more of them and make my island a little less of an island. And that's my struggle lately... alone and how not to be.
Stay tuned. There's more to come on this.
As a profound introvert, I have to admit that I never really feel alone. I prefer my own company to the ritual friendships that most people establish in their communities--the kind where lip service is paid but when push comes to shove, no one shows up to help. The kind where I feel as though I'm the only one giving. The kind where you are judged by those around you, often behind your back.
ReplyDeleteGive me a book, a crossword and a glass of wine any day.
Being new in town is SO difficult. Some days it seems like even the most solitary people are surrounded by acceptance and friendship. I hope you find that for yourself soon.
ReplyDeleteHi Koreen:
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you're going through...I found it hard to find meaningful relationships when I first moved to the Saint John area...I left a very close-knit neighbourhood in Moncton...we had block parties every July 1st.
I found my Book Club through being at my friend's Tea Bar...in fact, I've made many interesting friends there just by talking to people who come in. Is there a coffee shop (not a Tim's) near where you live that you could hang out in?
I like being alone too, but sometimes it can be lonely...
Wendy
I can relate to a lot of this - I see myself as an introvert too and while I enjoy blog hopping and writing emails, I struggle with social interactions. I much prefer a book or quiet night to myself than a night on the town. Heck, I don't even like to talk to my friends over the phone...I avoid it! I can definitely relate.
ReplyDelete