I Blame Pigs In Space

I wish to clear up a little misunderstanding. We only had the sniffles. We didn't have the flu. Sorry to concern anyone. (By the way, I really appreciate the sympathy shown. It means a lot.) Our sniffles didn't even amount to a real cold. Just some slimy mucus that had been smeared across an improperly-blown nose.

Evan's was worse.

But I want to clear up other misconceptions and miscommunications that have been happening more broadly. It seems talk about H1N1 has been going around to the nth degree lately. It's hard to know what to think or believe, from one news show to another, from the latest web report to the latest gossip on the street. I've done a lot of reading and thinking and even some cogitating. As of this moment, the facts are as follows:

1) H1N1 is a mutated form of the Spanish Pandemic Flu of 1918 that killed millions worldwide, and which was discovered in the Arctic by scientists, who thawed those little flu germs out and played with them, looking for either a) a vaccine "just in case" another pandemic were to happen, or b) a biological weapon to create a worldwide crisis and pandemic to control the media and/or world resources.

2) The swine flu went around about 40 years ago, at which time many people suffered through it and acquired an immunity. Those born after 1970 do not have an immunity and will suffer and most likely fall dead from it.

3) The swine flu kills mostly young, healthy people, not like the "regular flu" which usually claims for it's own the very young, very old, or sick/weak people. Which leads to the assumption that H1N1 is, in fact, a biological weapon employed by a sadistic foreign power to further destabilize the world and take some attention off the crashing and burning of The Big Three or the fiasco that was the Beer Summit.

4) H1N1 mutated from it's previous form, which was fairly innocuous to humans, when it was tested on swine in space on the international space station. We can all blame Miss Piggy for this. Yes, I have it on good authority it was Muppets in Space who caused this worldwide catastrophe.

5) The H1N1 vaccine is lethal and will kill you with it's mercury-infused processing. Or worse, cause brain damage and make you pee when you sneeze.

6) If you don't get the vaccine, you will surely die. If not from the swine flu, then quite possibly from the shame and embarrassment of either a) not preparing adequately for a global crisis, or b) over-preparing for a global crisis and giving in to the fear.

This has (not) been on my mind overmuch, and I have (not) been thinking about it very much. In fact, I have put so much (non) thought into this that I felt duty-bound to come out of the H1N1 closet and respond to this issue. The following excerpt is an actual comment on the subject that I left on another hard-hitting blow-the-media-lies-out-of-the-water blog:

• Not that I disagree or agree. I base most of my decisions on my in-depth research through the internet, mainly on pop culture sites, alien-conspiracy blogs, and wikipedia (THE ultimate compendium of all knowledge). And I've decided to vaccinate if there are any left if I ever get around to it. See? It's actually my laziness and reliance on the quirkiness of fate to make my decisions. It's all so much easier that way. I'm willing to take responsibility for those same decisions too, but only if they go well for me. Otherwise it's the fault of the government/media/aliens.
  
  You think I'm joking, don't you.

At this point, I'm so ready to get the stupid swine flu over with and put this issue behind me once and for all that I just might to go to the local emergency room and open-mouth kiss the first person who sneezes on me. Except for the fact that I don't open-mouth kiss strangers. Or sick people. Or people in general. Or that I live in Deliverance country.

You think I'm joking.