Today's theme is: happiness. Go check it out.
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Some of the adjustment recently incorporated with this move has been around the idea that I've moved back to a place where I was "more happy" than I was in the Maritimes. I wasn't happy there. (It's complicated, and much of it includes unbloggable topics.) Mostly, I was afraid of that I couldn't be happy again... that I became a horrible grouchy miserable person.
I've been shut down. Emotionless. Repressed, and then overflowing with anxiety and even rage. It wasn't fun. The things that used to make me happy haven't made me happy in a very long time.
Part of it is that at heart, I'm an independent girl, and I prefer the west. Whether that's BC, Alberta or California, we'll see. Things aren't the same as they were years ago when I was here. But that's okay, because there were some unhappy times then, too. However, there was the happiness of the freedom I had. I was a bit of a free spirit; an independent spirit. Sure, I cared what people thought, but ultimately, I did my own thing. It's in me. I could come and go as I pleased. My destiny was mine. My choices were mine. My life was mine. The future was unmapped and anything I wanted it to be. Knowing that filled me with a wild joy.
(Flashback: growing up in a strict rigid repressed uber-religious home where I wasn't allowed to feel anything not approved by the powers-that-were... where I didn't know how my day was going to be until I knew my mother's mood that day... where it was better and easier to be ignored than to be lectured, manipulated, yelled at or beaten. Where I was controlled... or rather, where they tried to control me. I'm a rebel. I've always been.)
My freedom is coming back to me. The last few years of being stifled is receding. The weight and burden of control from others is leaving. I'm coming back to myself. There were things that made me happy in the past, and I've found that they still do. I'm remembering...
Spontaneous road trips through the fruit country of BC in the middle of the summer.
Singing at the top of my (really bad) voice in the car. (I'm not allowed to do that now. "Mommy, stop singing. It hurts!")
Nothing to do on a warm sunny day.
Digging around in the yard with no purpose.
Making my own decisions.
Watching reruns of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer.
Seeing my son smile.
Being with friends who understand my craziness and think I'm funny.
And... him.
(This is what I get for saying: make a funny face. Serves me right. Proves the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.)
Freedom is happiness. Freedom to be who you are, and feel what you feel.
(I haven't changed as much as I thought... and that makes me happy.)
I can relate to the "Mommy stop singing. It hurts!"
ReplyDeleteFor a while, when I would sing my daughter would clamp her hand over my mouth and say, "Stop! I hate music!"
The picture of your son on the swing is stunning.
ReplyDeleteFreedom. It has an interesting correlation to happiness, doesn't it? It is good to hear that both are coming back to you. May that trajectory continue...
I've never considered the link between Freedom and Happiness. A great connection...thank you (and happy Fivefor Ten!)
ReplyDeleteThose are great pictures. With freedom, I believe, comes peace, because whatever decision you make it's yours. And with that peace grows happiness.
ReplyDeleteThat last picture is so wonderful. So free, so wild, so self-unaware.
ReplyDeleteJust move to Colorado...it's awesome here :)
All I have to say is AMEN!!! My friend, AMEN!!!
ReplyDelete"The things that used to make me happy haven't made me happy in a very long time."
ReplyDeleteThis really spoke to me, as I have felt the same thing for a while now. Coming back to writing has given me back a piece of myself that I felt was missing for a long time. I haven't figured it all out yet, either, but I'm pretty sure it's another phase of growing up. Kind of like adolescence, only considerably more complicated.
The freedom of happiness is an amazing thing :)
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you're embracing your free spirit! Though sad to know you're even farther away.... doh..
This post made me smile. I hope you continue to find your happiness. :)
ReplyDeleteContinue to look for those things that make you happy.
ReplyDeleteFreedom to be who you are, and who you need to be. Oh yes.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back! Great piece about freedom and happiness. They certainly do go together.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the picture of your son and his funny face....very familiar around here (I have two boys)
LOVE that funny face photo. It looks like your son feels free enough to be himself, and to really be happy. What a wonderful sense of freedom!
ReplyDeleteLove the blue in the pic. Reminds me of the ocean. Freedom is essential in the pursuit of happiness. With it, we can pave our own path to whatever it is we are looking for.
ReplyDeleteWhat a funny happy smiling boy!
ReplyDeleteIt' shard to lose the old habits of restriction. Sometimes I too have to remind myself, "It's my RIGHT to do _________!"
There's nothing like swinging with your shades on. Freedom and happiness and a nice breeze through your hair to boot! Glad you're rediscovering your freedom, too. =>
ReplyDeleteWhat great pics to accompany your happiness post. Pure joy is what I see, in the pictures and in your future!
ReplyDeleteJust perfect. Over Mother's Day, I photographed Annabelle picking her nose. I'm definitely going to file that one away for a few years from now, :-)
ReplyDeleteNothing to do on a warm sunny day. Oh how I long for this to come about. Alas, I fear I will never have nothing to do again.
ReplyDeleteSo sad.
But for you, so !!!
Beautiful photos. That funny face would make me happy too.
ReplyDeleteMy son also just asked - wait, no - demanded that I stopped singing. I wasn't even allowed to bop my head to the song in my head. Gotta love it.
It's inspiring when someone is able to transform suffering into soul, when a parent is willing and able to give a child the very things that they once needed but did not get.
ReplyDeleteIn this way I have found that parenting itself is a path to happiness—and it's great that you share your hard-won happiness with the group in this way.