Disclaimer: Sorry I don't have sunshine and rainbows up my arse today. I just have some things I need to get off my chest and out to the universe. And then the universe can slap me upside the head. Because I probably need it.
The living nightmare house selling got rid of our old mouldy cramped terribly-unwanted shack and brought us to this amazingly comfortable well-situated roomy beautiful home. Even if the nightmarish aspect of selling put us in the house so that we're (hopefully temporarily) house poor. (I've decided to give up buying--and using--cleaning products and other such luxuries to cut back on costs. I might need to give up showering and eating as well... we'll see.) (When I mentioned the first part of the plan to someone, he said "so you're going to start cleaning so you can stop?" Ha ha. Funny. But, no, true. He has a point. I just won't buy more when it's time. I'm so relaxed about that decision.)
I spent most of the past 5 years in a place where I was to all intents and purposes "unemployable". (I'm going to bitch about it for a moment because I need to... it grates on me and I'm having trouble letting it go, which I need to if I can move forward.) Where was I? Oh, yes: unemployable. That's me: a college degree, a graduate degree in one of the best counseling therapy programs in one of the better universities... excellent experience in my field with a pretty darn good track record and awesome reputation in my area (if I do say so myself)... a sparkling resume padded with numerous volunteer experiences and extra trainings, achievements and accreditations. And I'm unemployable. Because I got my degrees in the States. According to Canadian standards, I don't have any degrees. I know; I checked.
Within the last five years I worked at a call centre for several months (Best Buy rebates -- my own little version of hell) until my back gave out from sitting at a desk all day long. They couldn't give me shorter hours--it was flexible time or nothing. (That means you go in if they needed you, whether it was for 12 hours straight or 12 hours for the entire week... and you never knew ahead of time what you were going to get.) I worked as a customer service representative for an electronics superstore. Not a bad experience, but not something I could do long term. And hey, it gave me enough "credit" to get government maternity benefits.
I also worked for a short time in a woman's shelter. Alas, it was only a relief position for vacationing full-time workers, and the shelter existed quarter to quarter on fundraising and charity, so I was never able to land a permanent job there. I tried to start my own counseling business but got shot down because I didn't have "what it takes", either as a person or credentials... according to the business office. I made an attempt to offer training to others working in the field, because I do have good knowledge and experience to pass on. Even if I can't get credit for it. That dream died early when my body betrayed me and I found out I have Fibromyalgia. (But I'm not going to talk about that. So bored of that!) Then I tried my hand at youth work. Turns out the stress coming from lack of management in the company and employee back-biting and gossiping really set off my fibro and I had to take permanent stress leave.
Most lately, I was so desperate to do anything that I practically begged to do volunteer counseling at the shelter, but was shot down. Not very gently either. Turns out they just didn't want me or what I have to offer. (There were other things/people that shot me down in my personal life too, but I can't talk about that here. Let's just say I'm really lacking in self-confidence now.)
This has become the theme of my life lately: whether justified or not, feeling rejected and unwanted. I'm terribly afraid it's already making me bitter. And I'm also terribly afraid of being rejected here, in this new place. (Granted, I can't actually work anyways until my boy is in some level of regular school, and that's a couple years off. But I'm still chafing that I'm missing out on opportunities and my middle age is starting to slip away. Yes, as trite as it sounds, I feel old.)
I feel like I've come to a dead end in my career. Yes, I could go back to school and do another 4 to 6 years to get back to where I was in the States, but frankly, even if I could afford to (remember I can't buy soap or meat?) I have to say I'm just not that interested in jumping through more hoops for the system that hasn't been that encouraging to me. Yes, I know this makes me a whiny bitch, but it's where I'm at right now.
I don't deal with change well, and yet I crave new experiences and new adventures. It's one of those idiosyncrasies that make people want to leave my presence and take up drinking after being around me for a while. I personally think it's charming. Okay, not. But still, it is what it is.
And so we're here. A new place. Filled with new experiences and adventures. And I'm too scared to try.
My point is: I'm very grateful to be here. And somebody please slap me.
Swack!
ReplyDeleteI don't really think you need a smack upside the head, but maybe it'll give you some clarity, so there you go.
I say screw the system. You can do something even better and far more fun. Work on your photography. You have amazing talent, so put all of your effort there. You might just find a way to make a dollar or two here and there. I know you've done a few photo shoots and the more you do, the more people will hear about you and your amazing talent.
As for cutting back on the cleaning supplies... I'm all for that. I only clean with water and vinegar and occasionally bleach when something (like mice) totally grosses me out. No nasty chemicals and far cheaper! As a bonus, the kids can use the vinegar/water solution and help mommy clean things. That might be my favorite part.
ahhh, I loved your disclaimer! You and me, both!
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not wrong to feel this way. You're being honest. It's tough enough in a new location at the stage you're in (little kid at home, not sure what step comes next in a year or two). It's lonely and scary and rocks your confidence.
ReplyDeleteBut! You'll be okay! You don't need to decide TODAY your future. Make 1-2 small decisions with a reasonable timeline to implement. Even if it's painting a room. Baby steps. And write them down so you can look back and reflect on how far you've come once you get where you're going!
I agree with Green Girl take some small steps. I also think that you are a talented photographer. Try doing that more. Offer free shots to a few to get the word out.
ReplyDeleteSeems we're all on the same wave length. One day at a time to use that tired phrase. Concentrate on what you love and find a way to do it everyday then try and find someone to pay you to do it. You do have lots of options, sometimes they are just hard to see through all the obstacles.
ReplyDeleteIf the doors in one area are constantly being shut in your face you are not meant to go there. There seems to be plenty support here for you following photography - go for it, what do you have to lose?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've had such trouble finding a job, but I'm sure you will be able to figure something out soon. I agree with everyone about trying to find a way to make your photography into a business!
ReplyDeleteYes yes try the photography thing! I am so sorry about your fruitless job searches :(. I will vouch for you that employers are totally missing out on a reliable, hardworking, intelligent, caring person and excellent writer! What is wrong with these people?! :) Glad you are feeling happy in your new home.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the photography idea -- your images are very personal and evocative. I think you really have an eye for beauty, and in my estimation, that's the key to being a good photographer. I communicate with a lot of "photographers" and my mantra has always been that if you like it, it's a good picture. Having said that, there are very few of my amateur photographer friends that I would actively encourage to pursue it as a means of income. But your pictures have that undefinable whatever it is, that makes people pause and look a little closer. That's a key.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've had a rough road lately, and I completely understand the desire for new adventure, and the paradoxical aversion to change. Comfort is very difficult to give up, though I find (as you probably do as well) that when I do step off into the darkness, there is usually light at the far edges beckoning me on.
I'll bet I could hang out with you without needing to leave or to start drinking heavily :)
Here's hoping things look up for you.