Jackrabbits of the Apocalypse

I'm ba-ack! And surprisingly really glad to be back. (And glad to be back at my little spot in which I make sense of my world. But that's just stating the obvious.)

Side note: I'm having trouble writing this today, literally, because my cat, who apparently missed me while we were gone, is rubbing herself all over me and the computer, and I keep having to retype. Her typing skills are not what they should be.

I've been gone for almost 2 weeks, and my "vacation" was not really a vacation, of which some of the reasons I won't go into here. I will talk about some aspects which are on my mind and are totally making me BENT right now. Yes, vacations are relaxing. I advise you all to go on one soon. Really.

This vacation was really a trip to take my son to visit his father where he works. I wanted to be nice, and not put ALL the travel stress on him, and not make him miss so much work. But I'm not patting myself on the back here for being "nice". I just did what I thought was the right thing to do. But this isn't about that.

The trip was also a chance for me to reconnect with my family. So, in a sense, it was a family "vacation". And I stress again, please go on vacations. It's good for you.

So I saw my family again--my sister and her husband, my brother and his new girlfriend, and my mother. And as much as I love my family, I had a painful reminder of why I tend to move/live/travel so far away from them. Example:


So, I'm glad to be home. For comparison purposes:

Note: the picture is metaphorical only. So minus the palms, camels and sand dunes. Remember, it's a metaphor. (I'm still hankering for a more literal interpretation of this picture to manifest itself in my life. Seriously waiting. And I'm waiting. And waiting. But anyways.)

Every family has it's own brand of crazy. I have a different crazy in my family of origin than I see with the in-laws. Each takes it's own time and adjustment to learning to deal with and live with. Now I'm starting to think that the word "normal" doesn't have a place in the world. Or shouldn't. There is no "normal". There's just other brands of crazy, which look like "normal" from a distance. Grass is greener, etc.

My complaint: I don't feel like I'm a real part of my family. And our family is not that close. We all live far apart, don't stay in touch regularly, and on many levels don't really know each other all that well. That being said, I feel very much NOT a part of my family unit, such as it is. I think I've carried this since I was 15 when my mother sent me away to boarding school (and wouldn't let me come home when I didn't like it), and then heard from both my brother and sister that the family was better off without me. I think I've spent a lot of years trying to put that behind me, but it's hard when no-one wants to talk about stuff. It's also hard to try to be a part of things when a certain family member spent my childhood tearing me down so that she could feel more like a part of things. It's hard to WANT to make any effort towards another family member who was (and might still continue to be) very abusive and now reclusive, and has special needs. I just don't WANT to cater to those needs when it's not going to really make a difference in the larger scheme of things. (Can we say issues here?)

(Another side note: I'm frankly amazed I haven't become a druggie/stripper/prostitute/hired assassin/lawyer with all my family history and issues. I'm really having trouble figuring out what to write as I give an overview of my trip... I need to get stuff off my chest.)

So through the family tension that resulted, I was busy and constantly on the run. I met new people, played a little friendly poker, lost a lot of sleep, spent time with old friends and laughed a lot (thank you, guys), and watched my son alternately cling to me and have a blast with the friends and family. I got to relax a little, read a little, chat a lot, complain some, and even help a teen with her homework (which was like one of the highlights of my trip because a) I'm a nerd like that, and b) that kid just rocks).

We watched the kids chase and catch a LOT of grasshoppers, chase each other, have ongoing water fights, and just have a lot of fun. We did a LOT of driving and got to discover even more about dinosaurs and see fossils in person. We discovered the kiddie part of the waterpark was too dangerous for us, so we ended up mostly in the wave pool (deep end) and riding the big people waterslides. Which my boy did a lot of by himself. Because he rocks.

We saw a bear, coyote, many hawks and eagles, and tons of magpies. While in the Calgary suburbs, we saw jackrabbits. I think it's distinctly odd that I've seen more jackrabbits there than anywhere else. And I've been around. Also, while sleeping at my sister's house, I dreamt every single night of the apocalypse. I kid you not. And the jackrabbits started showing up in those same dreams too.

And then I got to crash late last night in my own bed. And sleep and sleep and sleep. I'm so-o-o-o-o glad to be home.

I'm realizing my "family" is my son. My home is wherever he is. Where he feels he has a place. Where he's comfortable. And right now, whether I like it or not (or how much I think this province sucks), it's here. And you know what? I'm okay with that.