How Identity Theft Improved My Life

Yep, that's right; you read it correctly: It has improved my life.

Short backstory: I opened my credit card statement one day recently to find surplus charges of about $1300 for the wily month of April. "That was some month!" I thought somewhat guiltily, wondering how I was going to explain myself to the DoughMaker. "At least," I said to myself "I had some fun here." I mean, there must have been some fun... I didn't remember it. That settled it! It was Hazy Passed-Out Staggering-Around Blacked-Out Fun. Fun with a capital eff. Which actually is quite something, seeing as I don't get out.

Then, something on my statement caught my eye: there's no way I could be having fun 1200 miles away. Even I would remember THAT!

Upon telephonic investigation, which to me was a treasure hunt, I found out the following rather interesting tidbits that I just didn't know before.
There were additional charges on a more current statement, bringing the grand total to about $2200.
I own a business.
I have 2 cell phones.
I hired a financial advisor.
I have a large advertisement placed in a popular newspaper.
There are two financial institutions involved; one of these is in another country.
There is a card-swipe machine involved.
There was a possible hacking event into my computer.
My social insurance number is involved, along with the correct spelling of my name (which is actually a first), and my credit card number.

Wow! What fun! I love surprises, don't you? It's two weeks later and I'm still on the first part of what the credit reporting agencies tell me is a very long, very exciting ride. "Well, Self," I said conversationally to a very relieved conscience, "you're off the hook."

But don't despair--You too can have enhanced living with identity theft. Here's how:

1. Experiencing identity theft increased my level of daily stress, which as you know, is a heart and nerve stimulant. My overall health is now optimum, evidenced by my glistening "glow" and ever-attractive pink-toned wide-alert eyes.

2. As a stimulant, it activated my Fibro symptoms not limited to but including the IBS. No need for a colonic now!

3. My social life is improved. Not only did I receive a new real genuine visitor in uniform to interview me (I'm a celebrity!), but I get calls all the time from all over the country asking me to verify such-and-such a transaction. I've never chatted with this many people before!

4. I'm on a first-name basis with the dispatch officer of the local RCMP department. We're practically sisters now! I expect to be invited over for dinner any day.

5. It's a great conversation starter.

6. The additional tonic of the Catching-Up-With-the-Rest-of-Your-Life stress, including showering (thereby reducing the sweaty glow), re-learning how to sleep again, and the schoolwork that was due, oh, yesterday.

7. Time away from Evan, or more accurately: Me time. Son? What son? Uh oh! (((digging frantically through the clutter that has accumulated))) "Evan! Evan, where are you?!!!!" Oops. ((Oh crap!)) Ahem! Um.... gotta go!
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