Foreword: So, this is what I do: I analyze things. And analyze and analyze, and then I over-analyze. But, you see, it's part of a process. I look back and analyze the past in order to focus on the present and future--make things better, figure out what went wrong, what I did wrong, and figure out how to not do it again. It's all good. Trust me.
What was I saying? Oh yeah. Family.
Family. The holidays are always rife with family stuff. Especially when I peek in through the windows of other families from out in the darkened cold, and see heart-warming togetherness and Special Moments played out, as though on display. (The peeking or peeping is purely metaphorical. Unless you live near me. Then it is completely literal. Seriously. Close your curtains at night, dudes; don't you know what kind of freaks are out there?! Okay, now you do. Read on.)
I admit: I'm jealous.
Memories from my childhood show a family life that was dramatically diametrical. It went from suffocating control to ... nothing. Abandoned is too harsh of a word, but I've learned over the years that there are some historical events that were indeed harsh, and the harshness I might be feeling is only because I'm looking at it in a new way.
Dad was the glue that held us together. When he died, it all fell apart. It seemed like there was no more family. Skip forward to the present: Now I'm trying to make a family of me and my boy. I'm surrounded by relatives (literally hundreds, many of whom I've not met) because I come from a group of people who either were breeding farmhands or were Catholic, or both. That's a lotta people. And I don't know most of them, I'm sorry to say. I have met a few, cherished relatives; I've created a sense of family with a few, and I thank God for them. (This is not to say I don't love the relatives. I do. In my own way.)
I'm also thankful for my friends, who because of the lack of family togetherness I tended to create my own "families" out of my friends. They were wonderful, being a part of my life. Are a part of my life. Sharing celebrations and holidays. I have to say my most treasured Christmas memories were of friends. Not "family". (The family Christmases were memorable in an entirely different way. I still treasure those family memories too, but also in a different way.)
See, here's where the problem comes in. People you hang with are like diseases. Friends are like the swine flu (I'm using this metaphor because statistically fewer people died from H1N1 than from the regular seasonal influenza, and I don't want to focus on death--that's not what this is about): it impacts you a lot, and stays with you for a while, but you recover and move on. Relatives are like herpes: they come at you with a vengeance once in a while, regardless of what you do, make your life hell for a while, and then recede. But THEY NEVER ENTIRELY GO AWAY.
Just to clarify--again the diseases are a metaphor, nothing I've had personal experience with. Really. I don't joke about that, being a borderline hypochondriac and all.
I love my friends, and they're the icing on the cake. And I can't do without them. But it's the family I want to, HAVE to, create with my son. It doesn't just happen. It takes effort and planning and thought and more effort. And even a little sweat and tears. I'll be the one person who will be there for him always. Letting him try his legs and wings a little bit at a time, giving him the freedom to experience and become. And I'll be the one he comes running back to with scraped knees and bruises to kiss and cuddle. And he'll know I'm his family and I'll love him. Because I'll never really go that far away.
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Tomorrow: Memories of the Memorable Christmases Past (I swear.)
Family is complicated, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like an amazingly instinctively wonderful mother.
"Relatives are like herpes: they come at you with a vengeance once in a while, regardless of what you do, make your life hell for a while, and then recede. But THEY NEVER ENTIRELY GO AWAY."
ReplyDeleteYou just made me laugh harder than I have all day!
But on a serious note, I get what you're trying to do. In a way (though it might not seem like it) I'm doing that too. We had a huge family growing up, the whole Catholic bit, and then my dad cut everyone off a few years ago. Don't really know the reasons why.... so now I'm trying to reconnect, or use hubby's family as the stable one, as my parents moved away after all this happened.
Family is the most complicated thing on the planet. In life. And probably in death too.