This is fact.
People are motivated by either fear or anger, I've heard. That is, the emotion that fuels their energy and drives them onward. Neither is particularly healthy, but this is the theory that I've heard.
I'm full of both. I've got enough personality to fill a minivan, but I'm scared to show it.
I'm scared of most things. Typically this means change and people. Mostly people. But also change. I also have trouble making decisions. Particularly decisions regarding people. And change. I tend to weigh pros and cons and over-think and analyze until I'm blue in the face. Does it work? Surprisingly, yes. But deliberating too long has also made me miss out on some suh-weet opportunities that I've kicked myself over and over about later. I've also experimented with the impulsive side of things, for balance you know, and I can tell you from experience: FAIL. But that's not what this is about. This is about being scared.
We moved to a new province about nine months ago. I went through some adjustment phases with people, from trying really hard and talking to complete strangers (I'm terribly shy) with limited response to the opposite side of hiding in my house for weeks and only coming out to take Evan places and support his social development. He is truly what has kept me going. And see? I'm all about balance. I try different approaches to find out what works. Not surprisingly, hiding out in the house doesn't add to one's social life. It also tends to drive one nuts. Particularly when paired with a rather energetic preschooler who wants to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.
But back to the point: I'm afraid of rejection from people. So, I stopped reaching out. I stepped back. I focused on other things: I spent time with my favorite tv shows. I got a job. I took pretty pictures. And I read and read and read books. None of that really solved the problem, but it distracted me.
Cut to today: Today was a new experience for me. There were people -- real actual people, people I invited over -- visiting me and my boy, for the first time since we moved here. I'm talking, non-family, non-photography related people. After they left, I had a faintly uneasy feeling... something a bit off... that made me analyze the afternoon. Some reflection led me to realize that the weird feeling was that I wasn't nervous or anxious while they were here. That doesn't happen. Ever. Anxiety, particularly social anxiety, has been such a part of my life for so long that I had to stop and wonder if I had taken a valium... I was that relaxed.
It helped immensely that I had cleaned my house for two days before the visit, because usually I don't care about the dust bunnies but I've found out other people do. (Is it a bad thing when someone says that my house makes them twitchy because it's so dusty?) It also helped that my son displayed remarkable maturity for his four years and didn't fuss about sharing his toys.
Sharing his friends is another matter. Are all little boys such drama queens?
People came... we ate... kids played... adults chatted... kids got triangulated and cried and redirected... we chatted some more. It was... nice. I haven't had nice in a while.
Of course, I could be imagining things. And the ultimate success of this mission will be determined in seeing whether or not another playdate occurs... or if the other moms talk to me again.
Then again, I could be over-thinking it.
Well, don't over-think it! Just take a good thing and run with it.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing about company (other than the adult conversation) is the motivation to clean that accompanies it. Take one look at my house and you'll know that I haven't had company in a looooong time! Yikes.
Hey, I'm really glad to read it was nice. Play dates can be downright terrifying. Hooray!
ReplyDeleteyou took the words right out of my head, thanks for sharing in your feelings... i too get anxiety over social settings, my hubby tells me i worry about what others think too much!
ReplyDeleteOh & yes all boys are drama queens over sharing their toys, when they want to be :) Happy Thursday!
What a great story. I think many of my friends and I really think and talk things over again and again - so much more than men who just say stuff and get on with it. I would love to be a happy medium.
ReplyDeleteIf they don't talk to you again, it's their loss! Good for you for making yourself do something hard. It's easy to stick with easy, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteThat sounds really nice Koreen! I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself without anxiety. I am the same way. I like it, but it makes me nervous. I always assume they see every dust bunny and all the clutter (they probably do) but they probably don't care even if they do. Yay for company and relaxation at the same time.
ReplyDeleteCongrats, Koreen...glad you guys had fun! Here's to more "non-terrifying" social events!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Wendy
You had me holding my breath anxiously until I read "not nervous or anxious" ... I'm so glad you reached out and that the playdate worked out so nicely for you. I have to say though that getting a return playdate invite may not be a good measure of how the other moms feel about you. Some people are just as anxious about opening up their homes for fear of raised eyebrows over dust-bunnies or the treats/coffee served or the general cluttered state of the house or whatever. I personally like going to playdates more than hosting them because of my self-consciousness over these things. I was so relieved when one mom suggested a playdate at the Children's Museum. It opened the doors for me to have one outside my house, too.
ReplyDelete